I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
