proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
