david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
