I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
