Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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