Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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