i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My ATM looks so different sober.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
