just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
