I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
