Where are you?
In a non slutty way
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
