apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
