Can Purell be used as lube?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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