so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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