So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
