I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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