Having a random hookup so left but love u
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
