my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
