I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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