dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
