So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
