you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
