My friends, they love my intelligence
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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