Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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