Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
