i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I smell stomach acid.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
