Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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