If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize