So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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