I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
