Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
