I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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