cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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