Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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