considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I intend to get homeless drunk
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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