Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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