I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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