Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
