My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
