I faked an abortion last night.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
