I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
