How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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