Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
