I just threw up on my dentist
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
