I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
