every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
