A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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