i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
