It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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