she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
