Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize