I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
