Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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