I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize