is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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