Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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