I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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