And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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