Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i believe in u and ur pee
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