NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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