Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize