I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
