so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
