totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
