so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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