I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
