ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize